The Body Never Forgets

I was reminded last night that even though my mind has been protecting me; only letting in what I can handle, my body doesn’t award me that luxury.

An innocent touch by my boyfriend turned me into a scared, frightened little girl. I felt paralyzed by fear and felt my stiffen and begin to shut down. I felt as though I had no control over my body. I felt like the child that had been violated and used.

The feeling of having no control is the scariest feeling in the world. Thankfully, my boyfriend knows about the abuse and has stuck by my side every day since revealing the abuse the to him. He understands that there are things that will trigger me, we don’t when and how and by what, what we do know is that they will come.

In the past whenever I would have a trigger I would let the feelings take control and shut down. Last night was different. I was able to use the breathing techniques learned in my meditation practice and pull myself back into the present moment and realize that I am not that little girl anymore, I am in control of my body. No one else but me. I have the control to say what does and does not happen to me.

It hurt so bad and when I closed my eyes I could see her, frightened and scared, my little girl. A child who endured abuse that no one child should ever have to. I could see the adult me holding the child me and apologizing to her, telling her that I am so sorry for the abuse she suffered, and that it wasn’t her fault, she has nothing to be ashamed and guilty about, she did nothing wrong and that the abuse happened to her.

I tell her that she is strong and beautiful and enough. I’ve been telling myself that for a while now. The simple phrase of “I am enough”. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, because looking for approval on the outside has gotten me into trouble. I am enough and what I need is to look inside of myself, in there I will find what I need.

Hiking is such a metaphor for my life.

I conquered Avocat falls and three pools today and it was a challenge. Going steady uphill for approximately 40 minutes is not easy. I huffed and puffed at one point I wanted to cry because my calves were hurting and I wanted to stop, but I kept going. My mind told me no this is hard, but my body kept going, one foot in front of the other, step by step. So it is on my journey, things will get hard, it’s an uphill battle and I will want to stop and quit and say I can’t do this, but like my body I can’t stop. It will get easier. It also helps to have support. Today I had my father and sis in law. On this journey I have God, Daryl my therapist and this person on Instapray. On this journey I will have to stop and rest awhile but not to long and continue, step by step, day by day. Another thing is that whatever it is, it will come to an end. It’s not gonna be forever. I have to keep that in mind with whatever I’m fed up of, be it school, the pain and hurt I feel they will end. I have to endure till the end. Like today on reaching the waterfall and allowing it to beat me, the way to get to it was worth it. The reward at the end of school is my bachelors degree, at the end of my healing I will be free from pain. These are the necessary steps and there are no shortcuts. I amazed myself today, I had fun today, I spent a lot of time in nature today and I love hiking. It’s become a metaphor for my life, something physical that mirrors my emotional, psychological and spiritual journeys to a better me. I am a survivor and soon I will be an overcomer by making small steps day by day, continuing to develop my relationship with God and getting to know myself better.

My story

This is a personal blog about my journey to healing and freedom. I have been living my life in bondage and fear, believing the many lies that have been truths to me. You see I sexually abused as a child. I was around the age of 5. It happened in my house, in the very bed and room that I am sleeping in. 

Over the years the after effects of the abuse has wrecked havoc on my sense of self, my relationships, my boundaries, it has affected me to my core. I recently started going to counseling because I knew if I didn’t do something that the behaviors would continue and I couldn’t live like that anymore. Counseling has been exhausting not just the sessions themselves but after sessions when I’m alone and I can’t stop crying because the anger and pain and sadness that I feel are overwhelming me and it’s the only thing I can do. For a long time I’ve stuffed my feelings inside fearful of what would happen if I allowed myself to feel anything to deep. 

Now little by little I’m allowing myself to feel because it’s the only way. It’s difficult, sometimes I want to scream and bawl and not care who hears, but I’m not there yet. Instead I cry at night when I’m alone, at my boyfriends place because I feel safe there, also at the office in the bathroom and at my counselors office. This is the beginning of my journey, it has taken me awhile and a lot of back and forth to get this far. I know I have a long road road to travel and this is my effort to record it.