I was reminded last night that even though my mind has been protecting me; only letting in what I can handle, my body doesn’t award me that luxury.
An innocent touch by my boyfriend turned me into a scared, frightened little girl. I felt paralyzed by fear and felt my stiffen and begin to shut down. I felt as though I had no control over my body. I felt like the child that had been violated and used.
The feeling of having no control is the scariest feeling in the world. Thankfully, my boyfriend knows about the abuse and has stuck by my side every day since revealing the abuse the to him. He understands that there are things that will trigger me, we don’t when and how and by what, what we do know is that they will come.
In the past whenever I would have a trigger I would let the feelings take control and shut down. Last night was different. I was able to use the breathing techniques learned in my meditation practice and pull myself back into the present moment and realize that I am not that little girl anymore, I am in control of my body. No one else but me. I have the control to say what does and does not happen to me.
It hurt so bad and when I closed my eyes I could see her, frightened and scared, my little girl. A child who endured abuse that no one child should ever have to. I could see the adult me holding the child me and apologizing to her, telling her that I am so sorry for the abuse she suffered, and that it wasn’t her fault, she has nothing to be ashamed and guilty about, she did nothing wrong and that the abuse happened to her.
I tell her that she is strong and beautiful and enough. I’ve been telling myself that for a while now. The simple phrase of “I am enough”. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, because looking for approval on the outside has gotten me into trouble. I am enough and what I need is to look inside of myself, in there I will find what I need.